Giving up impossible: BDSM despite disability
Silke* is 26 years old and sits in a wheelchair – paraplegic from the pelvis down. It was the winter of 2009, when the roads in Bielefeld were slippery and the then just 17-year-old schoolgirl was rushing across the street to catch her bus. Suddenly, a car spun toward them, having been given the right of way at the intersection. Today she talks with Eronite about BDSM with disability, bondage techniques and Breathplay.
Sexuality with restrictions
Silke was in a coma for seven months, suffered several rib fractures, and one knee was shattered. But worse – her spinal cord had been injured. From then on, she could no longer move her legs.
When the trained foreign trade specialist from East Westphalia rolls past the scene of the accident, all the memories of the time after the coma come flooding back. When she learned that she would never be able to walk independently again. The anger at the driver who was not in control of his car. The anger at herself that she still absolutely had to run quickly across the street. Silke has already had two suicide attempts. One two months after the terrible diagnosis was opened to her. She was still in the hospital then. And then the second one five years ago at the day hospital. At the first one, she swallowed an overdose of sleeping pills quite classically, but at the hospital, the nursing staff quickly took notice. In the other suicide attempt, she drove her wheelchair into a lake and tried to drown, but alert passersby pulled her out of the cold water in time.
Today Silke is married to a Frenchman and more than happy in her childless marriage. “I’ve found the most understanding husband you can imagine,” she tells us with a smile on her face. And adds quietly, but with a twinkle in her eye, “And a sensitive Dom.” The woman with the blond ponytail is avowed follower of BDSM (sadomasochism). She describes herself as a submissive slave. Nothing points anymore to the mental problems she had until three years ago. Her partner gives her support, encourages her, listens to her.
She seems cheerful, appears in a good mood for our interview. She asks us beforehand not to give her real name and not to show her face in the photos. Of course, we comply with this request. When we asked her half a year ago if we could introduce and interview her on the topic of “BDSM and disability”, she immediately agreed. We met them at Café Thumel in Bielefeld for coffee and cake.
Eronite Silke, we thank you very much for accepting our invitation for an interview. We were afraid that you might react negatively to such an unusual request. We are glad you are doing so well today.
Silke Yes, no more sleeping pills for lunch today. But maybe I’ll go to the lake later. Don’t worry, just to relax. (She laughs) When your request came, I didn’t hesitate for a second. I would like to encourage other people with disabilities to stand by their sexuality. Just as I do. It should not be an obstacle, and certainly not a taboo. Nevertheless, I often meet with rejection in the scene, which is why, by the way, we are now also moving to the south of France, my husband’s homeland. Nobody knows me there and people are more open.
Eronite That’s news! When does it start?
Silke Everything is already prepared, the moving company comes in three weeks and loads all our belongings. We are moving to Provence. My husband Alexandre comes from a hamlet near Aix-en-Provence. I have never been there, but have looked at all the videos and photos I could find. A beautiful landscape. I assume that I will be able to cope there even as a “wheelchair user” and that I will be appreciated.
Silke gives information about BDSM with disability
Eronite Silke, your dramatic accident happened over ten years ago. Have you gotten used to the wheelchair, or does it continue to be a foreign object to you?
Silke I take it for what it is: a tool. It supports me to get from A to B and it replaces my legs. I have a neutral relationship with my wheelchair.
Eronite But it also allows you to practice BDSM despite disability. Would you like to tell us how SM goes with a disabled woman?
Silke I am distinctly submissive, Alexandre is a self-confessed dominant man. In this respect, we have sought and found each other. We complement each other perfectly as a Dom and as a sub. I was completely inexperienced at the beginning and could not imagine how this form of sex would be possible for me as a slave. Although I felt the desire for it quite strongly.
Eronite Did your husband push you a little?
Silke I wouldn’t say that. He rather lured me in. Sometimes he mentioned that SM with disability is possible – and how wonderful it could go. I did prick up my ears and enjoyed the fantasies about it, but I didn’t practically dare to do it until months later. And lo and behold: BDSM despite disability is possible. (She smiles). And very, very great!
Eronite BDSM with disability – how should we imagine it? Are you the slave who can’t run away and submissively carries out all her master’s orders?
Silke That’s pretty much going in the right direction. But we have agreements, of course. And a stop word when Alexandre goes over the top. Has only happened twice. But I didn’t have to be afraid, just ask for a stop. This is done verbally, with a safeword. Or by tapping, tapping in German. But to answer your question more precisely: With a Breathplay – i.e. with breath control – he already has to be a bit careful with me and can’t go full speed. We both absolutely love letting him control my breathing. This has a lot to do with trust and dedication.
Eronite That sounds very interesting. So for you, BDSM goes far beyond bondage & co. despite the disability?
Silke Right. We are both curious and brave by nature, I think. My willingness to take risks is, of course, limited. We have to adjust everything we try and keep in BDSM and fetish to this.
BDSM despite disability: breath control
Eronite We are also interested in the details. A question in between: Does everything happen exclusively between you and your husband? Are other people occasionally involved?
Silke you have hit the nail on the head. I can well imagine being the servant of two or more masters as well. There is still a barrier with Alexandre. He, in turn, would like to have more than one slave. Which I understand, but don’t necessarily approve of. We are still discussing this point, but I already know who will be the winner. Alexandre knows people in his home country who also practice BDSM despite disability. Perhaps this will result in new constellations. I try to be open-minded as much as I can.
Eronite Great how open you are. Surely there are also difficulties in SM with a disabled woman, right?
Silke Sure, I have no strength in my legs, don’t even feel them. If I want to suffer torments pleasurably, they must concern my body and my arms. I usually protect my head with a robust full-face mask. But I won’t tell you what it looks like or what I represent with it.
Read also: Sex with disabilities – A social taboo?
Eronite Are there any particular outfits you prefer for BDSM?
Silke Schon, latex always goes. (She rolls her eyes). During breath control, for example, my breath is extremely restricted. This form of BDSM can be practiced despite disability. I help out by putting on very tight clothes. Alexandre occasionally helps me put on a girdle or a corset. He has also wrapped my upper body with cloth or with foil. Inhalation can also be made more difficult with appropriate collars. We have also tried a gag to inflate and various choking techniques. But I would rather not reveal more on this subject. Finally, Breathplays are considered immoral under German law. Well, strict breath control is actually not entirely harmless. You have to trust each other without reservation.
Captivating games with movement restriction
Eronite That was already a deep and intimate insight. For us, it’s all very informative. And we hope others will feel called to share their experiences with BDSM despite disability. If you like, tell us something about bondage games. Are they part of your program, and how do you design them?
Silke It sounds crude, but it’s not: Alexandre likes to hang me up in a love swing, so horizontal. Then I feel like I’m floating. However, the ropes, leather straps or thin chains he uses hurt. They dig into my skin with every vibration during bondage. I’m going out of my mind, really…
Eronite The question is indiscreet, but maybe you might answer: How does your partner behave in such a situation?
Silke He is insanely excited. I have to satisfy him with my mouth sometimes. Or he holds out a foot to me first and then his penis. Very different, Alexandre always surprises me. Sometimes we just engage in what we call “mini-bondage.” Then my husband ties my wrists together and gives me little pinpricks on my chest or stomach.
Eronite You must have a very fine sensibility?
Silke I think so. Since I’ve been in a wheelchair, I’ve become much more sensitive about skin contact. And Alexandre has really gifted hands. They can be tender and hard, and I’m totally into that.
Tips for SM with a disabled woman
Eronite Many users will feel addressed by your statements. Do you have any special tips for women with mobility limitations?
Silke You basically don’t become a different person because you are dependent on the wheelchair. But you are already changing significantly in some respects, for example in terms of enterprisingness. Anyway, that’s how I feel. Places where there are a lot of people irritate me. I prefer to have my adventures in a familiar environment. My first tip: in the fresh air. BDSM despite disability outdoors, that’s the burner, I tell you.
Read also: Lustful breath control: gagging until you pass out
Eronite And what is the best way to overcome the shyness of having sex with a disabled woman?
Silke You must like each other, find each other erotic, turn you on again and again. With words, with gestures. Then at some point you forget about the handicap, at least temporarily. And once you’ve experienced the combination of S&M with a handicap and a few intense orgasms together, you’ll be unbelievably united. Men may not dare to hit on a disabled woman. Or they have things in mind with her that they themselves find borderline. I don’t really know. With Alexandre and me, it was love at first sight – from both sides.
Silke and Alexandre practice BDSM despite disability
Eronite Has BDSM strengthened your relationship despite disability?
Silke One Hundred Percent. The more secrets and abysses a couple shares with each other, the stronger the feeling of togetherness becomes. The fact that we ventured into BDSM despite disabilities became the foundation of our partnership. We live each other out and we experience each other in unusual moments. I would not want to miss these special moments of pleasure. And I can’t imagine my life without BDSM despite disability and without Alexandre. My former fear of life is blown away.
Eronite Thank you for this special interview. Silke, we wish you all the best and good luck in Provence!
Silke I thank you and will continue to look more often at your erotic magazine.
Do you have something to report as well?
This is the place for BDSMers who have physical and or psychological handicaps, disabilities, illnesses, chronic diseases, metabolic disorders or other limitations in any way. They talk about how their handicap affects their BDSM. Taboos take on a new meaning in the context of handicaps. In some cases, many activities have to be adapted to the restriction, and some have to be dispensed with altogether. Despite everything, they live their BDSM and do not want to give it up. However, a limitation can also bring a new perspective to the game that is ultimately enriching.
Finally, ingenuity and new ideas are important aspects of BDSM. Their partners tell what they have to watch out for and how they feel about the whole thing. (Unfortunately, no partners have yet been found who would like to report on this, but maybe that will change now and some will get in touch via our contact form).
* Name changed by the editor
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