Measure with your own penis potatoes
Jorgen and Meggy – two North German emigrants in Brazil. Friendly, but not a couple, as both are otherwise engaged. Meggy – gifted with her hands – sometimes relies on his help when she needs tools. And Jorgen simply has it all. No matter whether it’s an angle grinder, a tile cutter – or simply nuts. He has everything there.
So it was no surprise that one day she asked him if he could help her out, as she needed a socket wrench set for the vehicle she usually transported from A to B and back. The only thing she couldn’t think of was the word “socket set,” so she asked Jorgen for a nut box without further ado.
If you want to measure nuts…
Of course, he knew immediately what Meggy had meant. Still, he wondered how to actually measure nuts properly – and immediately thought of his thick penis potatoes that he carried in his pants. Since he had already decided to get a professional penis evaluation, it was not far from his mind to also ask once about how to actually measure his crown jewels professionally with a tape measure or a ruler.
Not everyone can measure the nuts correctly and so we have prepared a small instruction – or neudeutsch “tutorial”:
The ultimate, totally serious guide to measuring your testicles (from Dr. Egghead, your trusted urologist).
Dear Lord of Creation,
have you ever quietly wondered how to measure your magnificent jewels accurately? Well, today is your lucky day! Let’s master this scientifically fundamental endeavor together.
- Preparation is everything!
Make sure you have a tape measure. Preferably one that you haven’t just used to measure cakes or your head circumference.
Find a quiet place. A bright pink bathroom with kitschy ducklings on the bathtub is ideal. - The right posture
Stand up straight and breathe deeply. Feel like the proud knight you are when you measure your nuts. Alternatively, you can wear the hero cape from your carnival costume from last year. - The art of unpacking
Be gentle and take your time. If you want background music, I recommend Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. It just has the right groove. - The measurement
Start at the top of one testicle and carefully measure to the bottom. Make sure you don’t pull too hard – it’s not a tension test!
Repeat the process with the other testicle. He might get jealous if he feels neglected. - Interpretation of the results
If you now have the dimensions… well, congratulations! And now? Do you put your results in a spreadsheet and compare month by month? Or are you starting a new trend: #TesticleFairChallenge? - Important note
This procedure is probably not covered by your health insurance. There is also no known scientific benefit to date. But hey, knowledge is power, right?
So, dear friend, now that you’ve been trained in the noble art of measuring testicles, go out (or stay in) and celebrate your newfound knowledge! And remember, it’s not the numbers that count, it’s what you do with them once you’ve measured your nuts!
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